With the surgery day being so soon there are several things that have crossed my mind. I just didn’t want to bombard readers with tons of disorganized thoughts, but then again no one has to actually read what I post. 😉 Feel free to ignore my posts if I get a bit post crazy at times.
Some people have encouraged me to record my thoughts through this whole process so I’m trying to do this for variety of reasons. I’m also hoping to maintain this blog for at least a year. I’m sure after a couple of months I will start blogging less about CIs as it becomes more part of my life. I’m hoping to eventually get back to blogging more about my genetic counseling student experiences and genetics.
I think people in general don’t fully appreciate how complex the decision to get a CI is. It’s so much more than just trying to improve my communication skills within the hearing world. It will impact my relationship with the deaf community and the hearing community. Even just considering a CI has a lot of impact on how I view my deafness. Do I view it as a culture? Do I view it as a “disability?” It also affects how others view and act towards me. This is a very complex issue and is one that is hard to 100% explain successfully. I grew up as an “in-betweener.” I am in between both the deaf and hearing world and I do not belong 100% fully to either world…neither world 100% accepts me. There are pros and cons to being in between 2 different worlds with different views.
I’m the kind of person who looks at things in gray and not black-white. This then causes me to question and think about things all the time. This also means that my perspective and attitudes towards things constantly changes.
In some ways the surgery itself makes me feel like I’m going to end up with self-inflicted wounds. What do I mean by that? I just mean that I’m electing to undergo a surgery that I don’t have to have. So, why do I want it? Obviously I want to hopefully improve my lipreading and speech abilities. Aside from that I can’t fully explain why. I just know that this is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time even though it is somewhat of a risk. Sometimes you have to take risks in life. I just hope that this won’t be a risk I’ll greatly regret. I promised myself that regardless of the outcome that I would make the best of it and learn something from it.
I guess the whole point of this rambling post is that getting a CI will affect how I view myself and how my friends view me. There’s just more of a psychology impact that comes with getting a CI than a lot of people realize. I know I’ll be questioning things a lot within the next few months but I’m prepared for that.
As of right now, I’m not sure which will be worse. 1) The final hour before surgery or 2) The 2 week wait to be “activated.” I have a feeling the wait might be worse, lol.
I also want to make it clear that I’m not reconsidering this at all. I just wanted to bring some of these issues to the table because it’s something that people don’t discuss a lot. When they do, they tend to overlook it or sugarcoat it. So, don’t read too much into this. 😀